im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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