hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
