Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
