I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
