I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
