do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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