it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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