if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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