He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
