Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
