My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
