shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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