i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
