I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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