I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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