I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
