apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
