....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
