Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
