She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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