Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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