Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The Olympian is in my bed
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
