Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
