So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
