i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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