So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
