We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
