you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
