mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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