I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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