This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
