she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
