My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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