why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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