Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
