you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
