He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
