all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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