I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
