I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
