we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
