So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
