is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
