On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
