I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
