New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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