I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
