I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
