The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
