I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
